3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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