Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
