I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
