so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
