false alarm. still invincible.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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