I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
