I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
