You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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