i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I have already put on my inside pants.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
