Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
