now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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