So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
