so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
