on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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