I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
