I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
