my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
