there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
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