I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
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