I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
