i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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