just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
