I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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