hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
