Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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