I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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