EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
