as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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