I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
