I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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