my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
