Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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