Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just want to make out with him forever
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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