During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
