So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
