NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
