I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
