dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
