you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
