Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
