I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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