Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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