Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
