she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
