i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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