maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
