she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
