I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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