If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
