You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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